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Swipe Right Part 2: A Girl’s Game

Ahhh long time no see. Literally. I’d like to apologize to my readers. I know it’s been months since my last post but I decided to live a bit this summer. Well a lot. BUT trust me I didn’t forget about part 2 of my dating apps blog. Today we’re going to talk about girls on dating apps. Yup I’m about to expose us ladies so if you can’t take the heat get the fuck out this blog and grab a bottle of rosé because I’m coming in hot and blonde now. (my friends call my blonde alter ego – Andrea. Nice to meet ya)

To start off I want to give you an idea of how girls are on dating apps then I’ll really dive in and explain the type of girls and their habits. Guys on dating apps are literally black and white. Very easy to understand and they usually get to the point fast. Girls on the other hand are gray. Over 50 shades of gray (no pun intended) when it comes to understanding them on dating apps. Sorry guys you don’t deserve it but that’s how girls are 🤷🏽‍♀️ It’s not always intentional but I’d say at least 70% of the time it definitely is. There are MANY types of girls on dating apps. I’ll give you the main types you’ll come across…

The Hopeless Romantics looking for their Notebook Ryan Gosling. These girls literally have it in their bios. They are looking for L-O-V-E. Looking to settle down, get a dog, apartment, and married within the next 2 years. Guys don’t be dicks and think you can bag one of these girls. They won’t fall for your shit or sleep with you just because you think you are sooooo smooth. You’re wasting their time and yours. They want to be taken on dates – trust me they’ll let you know.

Casual Hook Up/FWB Girls. These girls will usually have a clever or fun bio *cough Alex* what. (Although my bio is currently slacking. Will work on that soon) At least these girls get straight to the point and tell you who what where and when they need something. Boys who aren’t looking for serious relations, these are your girls. If they are flirting immediately and share their social media, then they want to hook up with you and gain a follower in the process. Win-Win scenarios. Word to the wise: don’t get attached to these girls. There’s a good chance you may get the boot at some point if your hookup doesn’t turn into a relationship. Enjoy the ride while you can. Figuratively and literally. (Oops can’t wait for the feminists to lose their shit on that one)

New to the Area Girls. Believe it or not people actually use Tinder to also meet people and make friendships. It is stated in their bio, VERY CLEARLY, that they are literally looking to meet people. THAT DOES NOT MEAN THEY WANT TO FUCK, FOR YOU HORNY BASTARDS. Yes they shouldn’t be on Tinder for this but ya know what – let them be. Alexa play It’s My Life by Bon Jovi.

Filtered Pic Chicks. It’s all in the name. At least half, if not all, of their pictures have filters. Look ladies there is nothing wrong with using a filter BUT when a guy or girl can’t tell what you really look like because of filters then there is a problem. Filters really are deceiving.

Thoughtful Smokers. I was honestly so surprised about how many girls are on Tinder just looking for smoking buddies. Now I’m going to guess that this type of girl either likes to get deep/philosophical when smoking and have serious life conversations OR they genuinely just want to smoke with someone new. Either or if you’re a smoker then she’s your match. Make sure you figure out a system because I doubt she will supply every time.

The Bisexual, Pansexual, Fluid, etc… Girls. These girls usually have it in their bio or are pretty upfront about their sexuality right away. They sometimes feel the need to explain their bisexuality “it’s not a phase” Okay great. Honestly don’t care, it’s your life. Do you bebeee. A very open group of girls and sexual af. You wanna try something new? Swipe right on this group ASAP.

Hardcore Lesbians vs Softcore Lesbians. Pay very close attention here. Hardcore lesbians are usually more aggressive in their approach and in their picture selection. There really should be no confusion here. Softcore lesbians will usually have a more timid approach. No need to further explain. Don’t forget the rainbow emoji in your bio ladies!

Pride 2019 was a blast. 10/10 recommend to a friend.

Gamers. No I’m not actually talking about girls who game. I’m talking about the girls who play games on dating apps. The game they usually like to play is tag. See how long you’ll chase after them. Guys I really feel bad for you when you have come across these girls. They really build up everything and then Casper your ass. (ghosting isn’t even a strong enough word for them) No one likes a tease so get your shit together gamers. Go sell dirty panties or socks or something. Be productive at least.

Lastly, the group I really want to touch on: Unicorn Hunters. For those of you who don’t understand let me explain. Earlier this year I learned that Unicorns are no longer just a fictional animal. They’re real. A unicorn is the third in a threesome/relationship. Unicorn hunters usually have the girls run the profiles. Some couples just want the unicorn for the threesome while others want this unicorn to join their relationship, their vacations, etc… Polygamy is the new monogamy. This seems like a WHOLE. ASS. MESS. But you know what live your best life Unicorn Hunters and Unicorns. If any couple includes all expenses paid, free vacations, and a paycheck then sign me the fuck up. Who needs a college degree anyway??

Some couples are looking for another girl so both parties can enjoy, sometimes for just the girl to enjoy, and sometimes for just the guy to enjoy. I have literally read bios where girls have stated they are looking for another girl for their man – like it’s a gift. UM WHAT THE FUCK. Should we call this approved cheating? Because that’s technically what it is. You are searching for a girl who you approve of your guy fucking while you are in the presence and/or possibly participating. Not judging threesomes/unicorn hunting but when a girl has that written in her bio, like that, that is the first thought that pops in my mind. Unicorn hunting is some serious business let me tell you.

Now that we have discussed the many types of girls you’ll come across let’s touch on some details. 99% of girls expect you to message them first. Entitled I know. Old-fashioned also. It’s hardwired into their brains that guys should make the first move. Ladies, do yourself a favor and BREAK THE STIGMA. Grab Tinder by the balls and make the first move once in a while. It goes a long way.

Just be honest ladies. Mike may not have appreciated my honesty at first but he will in the future.

I’m back ladies, gentlemen, and unicorns.

Swipe Right Part 1: Tinder and Bumble and Hinge. Oh My.

If you’ve read the title then you should already have an idea of what today’s write is about. If you have no clue then you’re probably in a happy, loving relationship so have fun at half price apps. For those of you that are single this one goes out to you…and me. This write will also be a two-parter because I have A LOT to say about this subject. Buckle up.

There are numerous dating apps out nowadays. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Match.com, Christian Mingle, Grindr, Footfetish.com for you sick bastards (I honestly don’t know if that is a legit site but I am definitely not clicking that link and finding out). I originally downloaded Tinder a few months after ending a long term relationship. Not because I was heartbroken but because I was bored. I wasn’t looking for anything honestly besides entertainment. Fucked up I know I told you. The idea to download the app came from a friend from high school that used to post all of his match conversations on snapchat; he would essentially just fuck with these girls and it was HYSTERICAL. I decided I needed a laugh like such and downloaded the app. I uploaded only the best pictures of myself I could find on my social media/camera roll. Some pics required cropping my ex out because honestly I looked good in those pics and felt they shouldn’t go to waste. Next it was time to write a bio. Fuck, this is make or break.

My original Tinder bio – enjoy the laugh as I did when I first wrote it: “Former gymnast & semipro soccer player. Amateur chef/travel connoisseur. Aspiring beekeeper. Team No Pants or Sweatpants.” and then a shit ton of emojis to express myself and be basic. Bios on tinder and dating apps are CRUCIAL for match success. Trust. If I see a shit bio I’ll probably swipe left unless you’re SMOKING HOT. Shallow Hal I can’t help it. I felt my bio had some partial truth and would give a good laugh. I start swiping left and right, making some matches. Let me tell you that Team No Pants drew a lot of attention that I was not ready for. Took that out within a week lol. I also had several guys ask me if I was on the gymnastics team so OF COURSE I seized this opportunity and told them yes, but was an alternate (it was more believable). Cue *so you must be pretty flexible* pick up lines. Once I really got them believing I dropped the ball and let them know I was joking about being a pro. They didn’t give a shit. Predictable hormonal guys.

Now there are TWO TYPES of guys that are on Tinder: The Dicks and the Pussies. Ironic. In my experience from Tinder, there is no happy medium between the two. Their pickup lines are either aggressive or predictable. Here’s a piece of advice for you aggressive guys – DON’T open with “I wanna eat your ass” or “So when do you want to bang” just don’t. Joking or not you’re 126% not landing the girl unless her bio literally says “Only here to fuck.” Do better. Get a little creative. This is your chance to shine! As you can tell these are usually the dickish guys. The pussies start conversation up much differently. They’ll open up with compliments or cheesy pickup lines most of the time – “Hey gorgeous *heart eyes emoji*” “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven.” I kid you not I had a guy find my Instagram and message me from there because he wanted to reach me immediately. See Example 1.1 below.

You know if you go out of your way to do this you damn well better put up a fight. I was a little disappointed to see him give up that quickly. Millennials, never happy I told ya. He fell into the Pussy category real fast. He still followed me for another 2 weeks before finally unfollowing me. I’m sorry buddy it just wasn’t meant to be. You deserve better. You’ll find your person.

I can picture you guys reading this now “She’s such a bitch.” At least I’m an honest one. Like I said I originally downloaded the app for entertainment. You’ll know when I’m serious if we match *winks*

Now onto Bumble and Hinge. So selfish of Tinder to take up this whole post. Bumble, where the girl messages first. I honestly don’t mind this concept because I understand it gets tiring for guys to make the first move or they feel like they might fuck it up. Maybe they want the girl to just step it up. Either way I’m about Bumble’s idea. #GirlPower. JK not a feminist to say that. To the girls who never message their Bumble matches – you’re dicks. Never understood people who matched with someone and then never message or answer them. Let’s just swipe for shits and giggles. Don’t even think of saying “pot meet kettle” I at least entertain my matches. What’s the purpose of matching if you’re not going to talk? Anyways, I decided when I downloaded Bumble I would take it a little more seriously. I used my Tinder bio minus the No Pants part. For good reason. Tell me how I’m supposed to be more serious when my answer to one of Bumble’s profile questions is this: My dream dinner guest is… Harambe #RIPHarambe I’m going to hell I tell ya. I tried to be serious. A lot of my Tinder matches were on Bumble so I got over it fast. Onto the next one *Jay Z voice*

Hinge. Now you gotta be REALLY serious for this and I only realized that shortly after creating a profile. This is more of a legit trying to find a relationship app. I’ve made a grave mistake. There are no bios here just Hinge questions to answer and add to your page along with some facts about you like height, age, location, ethnicity, gender, etc… Here are my Hinge questions/answers:
1. I’ll brag about you to my friends if… you’re funnier than me.
2. What if I told you that… I like to speak in accents.
3. I bet you can’t… chug faster than me.

Classy Alex. I’m rarely on Hinge because I don’t want to ruin these people’s lives. I should probably just delete it. In fact, Hinge ENCOURAGES it’s users to delete the app…after you’ve found someone. Ya don’t say.

That concludes today’s rant. I’ll get part 2 up when I can. I need to mentally prepare for MDW. Swipe Right if you know.

Petty Dreams

Finished my last paper for the semester and I’m feeling great – I definitely did not miss going to school. I was tempted to write this blog instead of my final paper but as a responsible 26 year old I did not. Instead I waited until 2 days before my paper was due to write it. Procrastination at its finest. Just representing millennials as best I can. Today’s post isn’t your average post and honestly has absolutely nothing to do with college or writing papers. I’m here to tell you have fucked up our subconscious is, well mine is, when dreaming. About 3 weeks ago I woke up from an interesting dream.

First thing I said was “What. The. Fuck.” and immediately started laughing. I truly think I’m hysterical and my subconscious proved it. I spent a good while actually thinking of it then decided when I would see my friends later I would tell them because I knew they’d get a good laugh. Fast forward to having a night in with friend’s just playing jenga and taking shots of tequila if you lose because why not. After the second round of jenga I decide it’s time to share my dream – we’re a couple drinks and 2 tequila shots in – perfect timing.

“So I had this dream last night. I wrote a children’s book.” They immediately start laughing; they know my ass is not writing a children’s book. “I woke up to the cover and title of the book.” They asked “Well what is it?” Here’s the ball drop… LITERALLY. “It was called the Petty Testicle and the cover is a testicle walking along a dirt road with those farm looking fences.” No room for silence we start cracking up. I told you – my subconscious is on a whole other level of fucked. After we get our laughs out, a lot of them, they ask me what the plot was. Now we’re invested. But the issue was the plot never happened in the dream so I actually started to think of one – what a fucking weirdo.

Next night we’re heading to the city with a few more friends. Kendra, who heard the story the night before, asked me to share my dream so I did. Even more laughs – I told ya I’m a funny bitch. That or they’ve realized I’m crazy. Angelica is interested and starts thinking of plot lines with me. We have options to choose from: well the guy could have a third nut and then I say “What if the guy has testicular cancer?” Yes I know cancer is not a joke (told you I’m fucked up) so don’t freak out – it’s all for the good of the book plot. Kendra and Angelica are cracking up like mad women at this point and now the story is in motion.

Post city events we jump in our Uber, hammered and starving. He doesn’t play music so I decide he gets to here my dream/story too. I honestly have never seen laugh as hard as he was. My drunk ass then proceeds to tell him “Watch you’ll see me on Ellen and you’ll tell everyone you heard that story firsthand.” We’re cackling hard at this point. Kendra then tells me when am I writing it – she really is the enabler friend. I told her I could write that book no problem she told me if I actually wrote it she would personally send it into publishing companies. This bitch is really going to test me. BET. I’m doing it. So now she gave my until Labor Day Weekend to write a fucked up children’s book. This wouldn’t be the first time someone has wrote a messed up children’s book (Check out Do You Want To Play With My Balls). Stay tuned folks.

Millennials: The Insatiable Generation

For those of you who are taking the time to read this I apologize in advance…Seriously I’m a jumpy/excitable person and I’m absolutely sure my writing will NOT be perfect so bear with me. I curse like a sailor so get used to it real fast (I know I’m going to hell don’t worry). I’m going to bitch at times BUT I promise it will be honest and I’m definitely going to share A LOT of the funny things I deal with day in and day out. Personally, if I didn’t laugh at the things I constantly deal with I’d be a miserable person. Anywayssss I’m a pretty fucking funny person according to my friends and family. That or they just put up with my nonsense to put up with it. Either way they’re the real MVPs. Truth is I am a lot to handle…mainly because I have no filter and I honestly don’t give a fuck #Basic #MillennialThings #ZeroFucksGiven If you know me then you know this is true and that’s make me ME. God I sound so basic. GET YOURSELF TOGETHER ALEX. Back to my no fucks given attitude (so tough) – I’ve walked around in a penguin suit, in the middle of summer, because penguins should be able to enjoy summer too – well that’s not the reason I really just felt like wearing it because I felt like wearing it. Now you’re probably thinking “this bitch is crazy. Crazy white bitch. Run.” Jokes on you because I’m half Hispanic (that honestly doesn’t make my case any better. Latin bitches are crazy.) SO I’m technically only half white from my European side *thanks dad* Really solidified my crazy level…not going to bother trying to hide it or justify it lol. Enjoy the ride.

#LivingMyBestLife

Back to the purpose of why I am starting this blog…classic millennial going off tangent to talk about themselves. Okay seriously back to why I’m writing this blog – In the past 2-3 years I’ve come to realize something about our generation. We’re ungrateful assholes. Yeah I said it. Go put that in your next Instagram post and hashtag it like you mean it #Thankful #Thanksgiving2019 Prove me wrong. I’d say “I’ll wait” but I won’t because millennials will have your ass waiting a long time – Side Note: don’t ever set a designated time for something without a millennial adding an hour minimum to their actual arrival. Now before you go and get butthurt or subtweet your feelings about me, I’m not saying we’re never grateful but I’m definitely saying we’re V ungrateful. And I already know by now that you’re all thinking “This bitch has the nerve to call me ungrateful. She’s probably ungrateful.” Yes I’ve had those moments and I’ve realized that. *drops in I’m trying to change cliche* What does she even mean ungrateful? I say thank you. Congrats you have good manners. Still doesn’t mean a thing. I’ll use an example – I work with a lot of high school/college kids. They crack their phone screens constantly. In less than a month I see them with a new phone. Shout out to your parents for dropping a light 1k+ on a new iPhone. Soon enough the screen is cracked again and so on the cycle goes. Apple, you the real winner here. But that’s besides the point. If you were truly grateful for your phone you would take better care of it. Yes accidents happen but if this accident keeps happening on a consistent basis then there’s an issue. You’re simply ungrateful. Now if you bought your own replacement phone then good on you! I’m sure you will take much better care of it considering it was your money dropped – a valuable lesson my mother taught me. Thanks mom.

Bold of me to start my blog on a somewhat negative note but this has been irking me for too long and I finally said FUCK IT. I’m not sorry if you’re feelings are hurt – trust me it builds character (my go to line). Ungrateful. We are truly an Insatiable Generation. And for those of you who don’t know what insatiable means I’ll spare you the google search – impossible to satisfy. Insatiable Millennials. Nothing really ever is good enough for us. Have an iPhone 8? Nope not good enough we need the iPhone X now.

Insatiable. Prove me wrong.